insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
