You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
