I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
