just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
