I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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