If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
