I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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