I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
