Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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