I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
