Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
