My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
