The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
