I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
