Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
