My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
