Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
