Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
