so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
