i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
