If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
