this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
These tits shall not be calmed
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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