im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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