You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize