He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
