I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
