you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
