Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
