Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
