So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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