Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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