Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
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