Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
