can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
