I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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