:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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