if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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