Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
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you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
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I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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