the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
