his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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