there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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