Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
