Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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