You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
