What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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