i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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