Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
