My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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