Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
