just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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