I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
