...so i touched it.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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