paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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