At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
