i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think I just sharted jello shots
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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