Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
