What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
