I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
